HMM...

In an earlier post, I suggested that it seemed like the Downton writers were recycling storylines from old television shows, and that a certain Lordship was turning into Archie Bunker.

Well, I think these side-by-side screen caps speak for themselves, and are proof positive that Downton Abbey is blatantly ripping off old American sitcoms!

SNIP!

One of my favorite authors, Katharine Brush, was, in the 1920s, chided by a reviewer for resorting to "a Dickensian cutting of knots" in order to resolve some complicated and convoluted storylines so that she might bring about a swift, tidy, and happy ending to one of her novels.  The reviewer actually liked the novel in question, but the charge was just, and attributed to the author's youth.  It was, nonetheless, a habit that Brush unfortunately never outgrew.  And it was exactly my reaction as I tutt-tutted and shook my head in disbelief through last night's Downton finale.

The big kicker last week, was, of course, the arrest of Anna for the murder of Mr. Green.  That I didn't see THAT coming may be because I am kinda catatonic from boredom, or, more likely, that I just didn't believe that the writers would actually go DOWN that road.  A little too obvious, no?  But, really, I guess I should have come to expect obviousness by now, right?

So last night opens...not with Anna, but WITH MARY.  Being all brave and proud and unashamed at visiting a suspected murderess in the slammer (and wearing a really FAB red coat!).  Actually, I thought she was probably just there to harangue the guards about how they're depriving her of her maid!  But no, she sat and chatted with Anna for a bit, probably asking her where her stockings were, and what did she do with that device she bought at the chemist's, and does she have any idea how much longer she'll be here...

Then, things take a TERRIBLE turn for poor Anna, because it turns out she stabbed her stepfather in her youth, in her long-ago days before Downton.  That it was self-defense against being molested will not seem to work in her favor.  (The lawyer, by the way, played Kurt in "Brideshead Revisited" and later Lindsay Duncan's husband Peter in "The Rector's Wife.")

In the interests of clarity, we'll skip over all the other stuff (maybe we'll talk about it later) and come to that "Dickensian cutting of knots" I spoke of:

1. Bates confesses to the murder of Mr. Green and flees to Ireland.  (I KNEW he was going to confess last week, didn't you?  The Ireland angle was unexpected, I'll admit.) SNIP!

2. Anna is sprung from the slammer.  (Even though it looks like she and her husband could be acting in concert?) SNIP!

3. Molesley commits what I think may actually be criminal trespass, and he and sweetheart Baxter spend their days off scouring the pubs of York looking for the barkeep with whom Bates spent that fateful day.  "They were in the Boer War together."  Or is that BORE War?  SNIP!

4. ANNA DOESN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO JAIL, BECAUSE THE WITNESS WHO PICKED HER OUT OF THE LINEUP IS NOW "HAVING DOUBTS."  SNIP!

5. Bates makes it back to Downton in time to hear Mary screw up the words to "Silent Night" AND give his bride a big wet Christmas Kiss.  They're together for Christmas; they'll worry about all the other nasty details later.  SNIP!

WE'RE EXPECTED TO SWALLOW THIS SLOP?

Then there was the ABSURD rudeness of Lord Sinderby and his butler (STOWE?  STOLE?  I didn't quite get the name?), who, if this weren't the north of England in the 1920s, I would swear were both trying to top each other with their Darth Vader impressions.  Honestly, like so much else this season, I just wasn't buying it.  Actually, I think the purpose of these two buffoons was to provide Mary an opportunity to shine in contrast!  Suddenly, she's NOT the most reprehensible person in the house.  SHE is Lady Mary Crawley; SHE knows how to treat her inferiors (i.e. EVERYBODY).  (But that doesn't mean she can't abuse her sister Edith, of course.  OF COURSE.)

Lord Sinderby's baby mama shows up, with baby (well, toddler, really) in tow.  And WHO sweeps in to rescue The Dark Lord?  MARY.  Well, it was Rose's idea, but I am sure Mary will claim credit.  SNIP!  Another knot is cut; Rose and Mary and Robert save The Dark Lord's hide by pretending to know the baby mama (who seems like a very nice girl, even if she is a trollop), and have NOW BECOME ENABLERS OF HIS DECEIT AND HYPOCRISY!  Rose is turning into quite a little protégé of her cousin Mary, isn't she?  She is learning how to EXPLOIT and control people, bending them to her will!  She now holds sway over her father-in-law, who renounces his rudeness and faux superiority, and becomes everyone's favorite curmudgeon-with-a-heart.  She works the same black magic on Stole/we.

Yeah, well, too bad Rose is leaving to go to New York.  Out of nowhere, Atticus gets a job in New York!  I didn't even realize he had a skill set!  SNIP!  Another cutting of knots to get Rose out of the story--I suspect she needed to leave Downton for Disney to be their new Cinderella, due out soon.  (Hollywood lures yet another Downton Beauty away...Downton viewers are even treated to a Cinderella trailer.  Sophie McShera's in it, too, by the way.)

Princess Cadaver is found!  ALIVE, ironically.  (SHE'S RUDE, TOO!)  SNIP!  Violet has balanced the score (The Princess being forced to wear Violet's hand-me-downs), and the Cadavers can now be disposed of.

SNIP SNIP SNIP!

Violet now has Denker to be her companion in old age (even if Denker CAN'T cook!), should Isobel choose to FINALLY accept Lord Merton's proposal.  Not likely; Larry Grey, the RUDER of the rude sons (when did the upper crust become so bloody awful rude?) has declared that he will insult Isobel at every opportunity, with and until his dying breath.  And you can have THAT in writing!  (I actually like Merton, and wish that he and Izzy would tie the knot.  OH--hah--no pun intended!)

ROBERT, despite my apprehensions at the beginning of the season that he was turning into an Archie Bunker, is becoming quite the sympathetic, charitable, and tolerant (ergo, modern) character.  I mean that.  (Though I don't think he'd actually use the word "tummy.")  I thought his scene with Edith was beautiful.  It's EXACTLY what you wanted from him, wudn't it?  It was real and human, and very touching.  (Ditto Edith's scene with Tom.  When he said his childhood village had quite a few Marigolds running about I seriously got a little choked-up.)  It's just TOO bad that Robert's wife is such a meaningless, insignificant BLOB of nothingness.  PLEASE, SOMEONE, GIVE THIS WOMAN SOMETHING TO DO!  She's not even very motherly with her two daughters!  The strongest admonition she can muster is "don't be unkind" when Mary insults Edith for the gagillionth time!?  She must be afraid of Mary, and I wish she'd grow a backbone.

So, here's where we stand at the end of Season 5 (in descending order of certainty):
1. Mary--AND EDITH--BOTH have NEW romantic prospects!
2. Tom IS going to America, and NOT leaving "Sibby" behind @DowntonAbbey;
3. Carson, who wishes it was still 1890 (just like his creator, Julian Fellowes, no doubt!), and Mrs. Hughes ARE going to open that B&B after all in spite of Mrs. Hughes's lack of funds, but not before tying the knot.  (UH!  There I go again--no pun intended!)  (Honestly, THIS plot line was quite obviously lifted from "Upstairs, Downstairs," which often suffers unfairly and unfavorably in comparison to Downton--they did it all first, Lord F!);
4. Robert is NOT going to die of a heart attack;
5. Violet "will never again receive an immoral proposition from a man;"
6. Denker and Spratt will continue to act like idiot children;
7. Anna and John Bates may or may not be done with the whole unpleasant murder business;
8. Isobel and Dickie may or may not get hitched;
9. Molesley and Baxter will open a private investigation firm in Rippon and become Yorkshire's version of Nick and Nora Charles (check your local listings for Masterpiece Mystery);
10. Barrow and Andy will ride off into the sunset together.

I'm exhausted; please let me know if I've missed anything.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY "Wait--Isn't it ALL about Mary?" asks Mary Crawley

Okay. I know I promised you a lot, and haven't really delivered. I've spent two sleepless nights wondering how to deal with the non-entity that is Mary Crawley. I have SO MUCH to say about such a little, that it's HARD.

I mean, honestly...what has she done this season? She sexed up Tony Gillingham and rejected him. Obviously because she found him to be--ahem--inadequate as a lover. She was almost exposed by Jack Spratt the butler (oh, no, wait: "Jack Spratt could eat no fat;" must be a different Spratt), but Granny intervened, with the ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT ruse that Mary and Gillingham were attending an AGRICULTURAL CONFERENCE. THAT DOWAGER is quick on her feet, when the Family Reputation is in peril. (At least the Dowager's phony explanation was better than Cora's regarding Marigold!) And Mary escapes, once again, unscathed. Because, see, she's so important, so high-born, that she's above all criticism, censure, and exposure. (More on THAT, later.) Then, she and Bachelor Number Two cook up a scheme (ALL the women upstairs seem to be at it, don't they?) to throw Tony back into Mabel's arms, but not at TOO great an expense to her own reputation as the most seductive and alluring Widow in all Yorkshire County!

Seriously, are we supposed to LIKE this woman? You may have Carson fooled, dear, but the rest of us aren't taken in. 

Okay. So WHAT was her Lofty Ladyship up to Sunday night? 

[We'll skip over some unimportant chit-chat inserted at the beginning to set-up the return of Rose's Mummy and Dad...]

Everyone's in the library, and Robert is playing Snakes and Ladders with Sibby. When Robert calmly and most reasonably points out that Sibby has landed on a snake and must go back, Mary--who is SITTING ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM--says "Don't be so mean; LET HER STAY WHERE SHE IS." 

Now, the ladders in Snakes and Ladders represent virtues, and the SNAKES VICES. (It's all tied to Indian religion, you see. This is a distinction lost in the Americanized version, CHUTES and Ladders.) (In most game sets of the 1920s, the virtues are usually represented by things such as helping an old lady across the street; the vices by things such as pulling a cat's tail.) Land on a ladder, and you're rewarded with advancement; land on a snake, and you are punished. Now, this seems THOROUGHLY unfair in what is PURELY a game of chance, but them's the rules.

So, I first thought, "that's ridiculous; MARY, of all people, would be the one to insist that the RULES MUST BE OBEYED!" 

But then I realized: NO; MARY DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT WRONGDOING, BAD DEEDS, VICES, HAVE CONSEQUENCES, DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY SHOULD BE PUNISHED. WINNING THE GAME IS ALL THAT MATTERS. And having everyone else give you a free pass simply helps you win. THAT's what EVERYONE ELSE IS FOR!

So then she tells Sibby (goodness, I HATE that nickname!) to "KEEP CRYING AND MAKE DONK FEEL BAD!" Whatever "Donk" means, Robert dudn't like it...

[Then there's a little more unimportant chatter with Rose to establish the characters of Atticus's parents...He's opposed/she's in favor...A little later Mary's given the opportunity, following dinner with Atticus's parent, to insult poor Edith YET AGAIN: "Let's all go to lunch, my treat--even YOU, Edith." That schtick is getting SO TIRESOME! Then the aforementioned lunch, where the previously mentioned photos of Atticus and the floozy are revealed...those of you who watch know where we are...]

Well, everyone's now been invited by Lady Sinderby to THEIR place in London, "to meet some of the relations." And, again, we have Mary taking the part of poor put-upon victim. Everything's "hitting the rocks," she insists. She lost Sibyl. Now Rose is leaving, soon to be followed by Tom, who's planning to go into business with his cousin in Boston. (We'll see.) Her biggest fear is BEING LEFT ALONE WITH EDITH. That over-used SCHTICK just makes it seem like it's not REALLY about MISSING the others--it's really only about hating Edith SO MUCH. She tells Tom that when she MURDERS HER SISTER, IT WILL BE HIS FAULT.

OH. MY. GOD. 

"LOVE IS A FAR MORE DANGEROUS MOTIVE THAN DISLIKE"

Okay; the Dowager seems to be back to her old self, because that's what she says to Mary a few moments later, when Mary's puzzling out the floozy photo mystery, and can't believe that Atticus's father could be responsible, because, well, he certainly loves his son. Violet's right, that's true, and it sounds like something genuine...It reminds me of my favorite line from Les Liaisons Dangereuses: "Those who are most worthy of love are never made happy by it." I shall steal it at the first opportunity.

I digress...

[More Mary being the victim, as we hear a repeat of the mere-minutes-old "Tom's going to America and leaving poor Mary all alone" theme, this time referred to as "A DAGGER IN MY HEART."] 

The next we see of Mary is at Rose's reception, where Tony Gillingham shows up...see my earlier post...after learning that Tony and Mabel are to be married, Mary skulks off to...somewhere back-of-house to sulk. Her champion Carson is there, to give her a pep talk, and assure her THAT GILLINGHAM WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER; wasn't, to use Carson's words, "up to the mark." Seriously? Even Mary seems to know that Carson is lying to her to flatter her. Yeah, right. Actually, no: Mary's FISHING, of course; she can play Carson like a fiddle. Honestly, I'll not be half-surprised if after Robert's dead and buried it's revealed that Carson is Mary's REAL father.

Now...I KNOW what the writers are trying to do. They're trying to establish this unshakable impervious bond between Upstairs and Down, between Master and Servant. That, right or wrong, for better, for worse, THESE two are the defenders of the faith, the UPHOLDERS of the PAST, the GUARDIANS OF TRADITION, the ones in whom the GLORIES OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE STILL SHINE! (Makes perfect sense when you recall that Julian Fellowes is a member of the HOUSE OF LORDS, dudn't it?)

Well, just like a good enabler, Carson is there; he sends Mary off by saying that he is certain she will triumph in the end.

BLECH

I'm almost done...

Then, finally, when the coppers come to take Anna away (we'll talk about that tomorrow...) Mary tells Mrs. Hughes that the police can't see Anna "BECAUSE SHE HASN'T DISMISSED HER YET," which makes Mrs. Hughes "most uncomfortable." But Anna goes, and pretty soon the whole household is up, including the Downton Zombies.

And what does Mary do? Attempts to BULLY the Scotland Yard fellow. When he calls her "Miss" she gets all indignant and puts him in his place: "I AM NOT 'MISS;' I AM LADY MARY CRAWLEY!" 

She's finally put in HER place when the Scotland Yard fellow says...

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF THE UPPER NILE."

ABOUT BLOODY TIME.

THE WALKING DEAD OF DOWNTON

You have seen them, but you may not have taken any notice of them. They are the often faceless, always nameless zombies of Downton. They are seen but never heard. Even the people with whom they live and work never speak to them, never ask them how their mum is getting on, or how THEIR murder trial might be progressing, don't seem to trust them.

WHO THE F**K ARE THEY?

I'M SORRY TO BE THE ONE TO HAVE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK THERE MAY BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH EDITH'S KID.

AT LEAST HE'S NOT A NEGRO

Last night's episode of Downton was such a mish-mash of BORING that I hardly know where to start. I have A LOT to say, so I am going to break it up into easier-to-digest bits...

The "wedding" of Rose and Atticus is upon us. It's set in the London REGISTRY OFFICE, and looks like the non-event of the season, I guess owing to the fact that the young lovers are of different faiths. Or maybe Rose is pregnant? Why else the rush and lack of pomp? 

Rose's mother Susan, and Atticus's father Lord Sinderby (sometimes I think he looks like Alexander Putin, other times like Yul Brynner) are each opposed to the union, for sorta the same reason--because she's NOT Jewish/because he IS Jewish. At least he's not a NEGRO, Lady Flintshire! (Remember THAT guy?) 

Oh, and in typical hackneyed predictable Downton fashion, Atticus's father calls Rose a SHIKSA! But not, at least thank God, to her face. No, in this episode the "boorish manners" incident (it's officially a requisite in period dramas) is left to Rose's mummy. First, she hires a floozy to frame Atticus, then, in desperation, announces to the world that she and Stumpy (Squinty?) are getting a divorce. It's so easy to thwart one's child's happiness when one's child's future father-in-law has previously announced to the world his disdain for divorce and divorced people! 

So, as the organ starts playing the "Bridal Chorus" from Lohengrin (wait, did that happen?) Susan just sits down next to Aunt Vi and says "what? Am I supposed to just lose gracefully?" And the Dowager, known, of course for her caustic tongue, her very BON bon mots, says "yes." Ooo, SNAP!

Then there's more slightly-offensive-to-Jewish people stuff said by a Lady Somebody-or-Other who looks like John Lithgow in drag and who forgets that Cora's father was Jewish. Oops. 

Okay. So that raises a few things that have been bothering me. Poor Phoebe Nicolls, the VERY talented actress that plays Rose's mother, deserves better than this tripe they've given her. In case some of you missed it, Nicholls played Sebastian's sister Cordelia in "Brideshead" back in the early 80s But her Downton character has no dimension--she's simply a TYPE, LIKE SO MANY OF THE PERIPHERAL CHARACTERS ON DOWNTON. That is one of the major problems with the writing--a lack of any real character development. With but a few exceptions, everyone on the show has just...stopped...growing...doing...BECOMING anything. (Yes, Mary, we know--you hate Edith.) And the other characters around them are just TYPES, put there to create situations for the "main" characters; to GIVE them something to react against. Am I making sense?

I mean, Rose's mother Susan would be far more interesting if we KNEW WHY she was the way she is. What's her story? WHAT HAPPENED? Nope; she's just Rose's sorta crazy obnoxious mother. Her very FIRST (and I guess we're supposed to assume LAST) words to her future son-in-law are "what a peculiar name."

Then...the Dowager. Are we supposed to believe that she's getting all soft now over the reappearance of Prince Cadaver? She seems to be losing her touch. She actually said at the beginning of last night's episode (during Rose's little trousseau fashion show) "Love may not conquer all, but it can conquer quite a lot." WOW! I guess the writers could have had her say "Money can't buy happiness; but it CAN buy some other things that aren't happiness!" 

DRIVEL.

Then, Robert and Cora, Isobel, Squinty and Putin/Brynner are all standing and chatting, and the subject turns to India, because Squinty has just finished being something important over there. And Isobel says--INEXPLICABLY--that they DID get word of that Amritsar Affair! WHAT??? The Amritsar incident happened in...1919! At least five years ago! WHAT was the purpose of introducing THAT little nugget? OH, I forgot--these people are such an integral part of the Fabric of British History that NO historical event does not touch them in some way, however slight and obscure. The Titanic, the Teapot Dome Scandal, "HER" Hitler's Beer Hall Putsch, and now the Amritsar Affair. I'll bet the only one you don't have to look up is the Titanic (MAYbe the Hitler thing). Yes, these people ARE Britannia! 

PEDICTABLE HACKNEYED AND BORING

Oh, and then Gillingham and Mabel show up at Rose's reception. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING THERE? Just letting us know that they will be all right in the end. And providing Mary an opportunity for closure, I guess. "You were what I needed when I needed it." SHE USED HIM FOR SEX. He's lucky he got out of it alive.

BORING AND FAKE

FAREWELL TO DOWNTON or, the Future Isn't Pretty, Mrs. Bates

In one of my recent posts I gave myself an idea. Well, it was really more like A VISION. 

(With all due respect to the current--EXCELLENT--Bates Motel, I propose this alternative "prequel")

Downton Abbey is now in its 19th and final season. 

It's 1931, and the investigation into Mr. Green's death has been dragging on now for what seems an eternity. The Downton writers have decided--FINALLY--that there is absolutely no justification for having Anna and John Bates just sit around with nothing to do but torment poor Baxter, who's now so old and infirm that Cora pushes her around in a wheelchair. (Molesly had a heart attack and died on the night before he was planning to propose to Baxter--they were going to buy some property together and open a little boarding house, of course.)

Robert and Violet died ages ago, Edith went crazy and was institutionalized, and Marigold went to America to star in motion pictures. She's GOOD! I mean, the name "Marigold" seems tailor made for a film star, no? 

Mary has finally renounced her wealth, her position, her absolutely HATEFUL demeanor. She's discovered she has a lovely singing voice, and has joined an order of Carmelite nuns in Salzburg, Austria. (Where she had gone to recover from the heartbreak she suffered when she discovered Charles Blake in the arms of another man--who turned out to be Lord Merton's younger son Timothy. The really handsome one.) This will cause problems for Mary a bit later on, but that's for another spin-off...

So Bates is found guilty in an off-camera trial (because, hey, we just need him to be gone and can't really spend time on the details), but, right before he goes to the chair (his last meal is Welsh Rarebit on toast), Anna reveals to him that she has FINALLY conceived, and is bearing his child! She's 45, but better late than never. Besides, it will give her something to remember her dear departed husband by.

So poor Anna packs her bags, bundles up little John, Jr., (who was born--and almost died, having suffered a deprivation of oxygen during delivery--between episodes 4 and 5) and heads for America. (She's thinking that good old Tom Branson will give her a job in one of his automobile factories in Detroit, you see.)

But she decides she needs a really fresh start, so SHE CHANGES HER NAME. To Norma, because, well, she's always LOVED the films of Norma Talmadge. (She has to retain the "Bates" out of loyalty.) But then there's a mix-up at Ellis Island, and the registrar misunderstands, and records Little John Jr.'s name as "Norman". When Norma/Anna catches the mistake, the registrar just stamps the papers and shouts "NEXT" and the error stands.

Well, when Norma/Anna and little Norman arrive in Detroit, it turns out that Branson Autoworks went bankrupt after the crash and ensuing Depression, and Tom Branson committed suicide by jumping out of his office on the 28th floor of the Branson Building (Warren and Wetmore, 1927-28). Sibby, his daughter, lives in a shack on the former Branson Estate (a modernist masterpiece designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, 1929, left unfinished) where she hoards old copies of the Detroit Free Press. Her sole remaining possession of any value is a beautiful miniature portrait of her mother, Lady Sibyl; she is never without it. She chases Norma/Anna off "her" property.

Discouraged, Norma/Anna heads West, as did so many others during the Dust Bowl. She hitches a ride with a family named Joad. 

She ends up in California, and, in fulfillment of a long ago dream of her and her late husband John, opens a motel. The Bates Motel.