THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY "Wait--Isn't it ALL about Mary?" asks Mary Crawley

Okay. I know I promised you a lot, and haven't really delivered. I've spent two sleepless nights wondering how to deal with the non-entity that is Mary Crawley. I have SO MUCH to say about such a little, that it's HARD.

I mean, honestly...what has she done this season? She sexed up Tony Gillingham and rejected him. Obviously because she found him to be--ahem--inadequate as a lover. She was almost exposed by Jack Spratt the butler (oh, no, wait: "Jack Spratt could eat no fat;" must be a different Spratt), but Granny intervened, with the ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT ruse that Mary and Gillingham were attending an AGRICULTURAL CONFERENCE. THAT DOWAGER is quick on her feet, when the Family Reputation is in peril. (At least the Dowager's phony explanation was better than Cora's regarding Marigold!) And Mary escapes, once again, unscathed. Because, see, she's so important, so high-born, that she's above all criticism, censure, and exposure. (More on THAT, later.) Then, she and Bachelor Number Two cook up a scheme (ALL the women upstairs seem to be at it, don't they?) to throw Tony back into Mabel's arms, but not at TOO great an expense to her own reputation as the most seductive and alluring Widow in all Yorkshire County!

Seriously, are we supposed to LIKE this woman? You may have Carson fooled, dear, but the rest of us aren't taken in. 

Okay. So WHAT was her Lofty Ladyship up to Sunday night? 

[We'll skip over some unimportant chit-chat inserted at the beginning to set-up the return of Rose's Mummy and Dad...]

Everyone's in the library, and Robert is playing Snakes and Ladders with Sibby. When Robert calmly and most reasonably points out that Sibby has landed on a snake and must go back, Mary--who is SITTING ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM--says "Don't be so mean; LET HER STAY WHERE SHE IS." 

Now, the ladders in Snakes and Ladders represent virtues, and the SNAKES VICES. (It's all tied to Indian religion, you see. This is a distinction lost in the Americanized version, CHUTES and Ladders.) (In most game sets of the 1920s, the virtues are usually represented by things such as helping an old lady across the street; the vices by things such as pulling a cat's tail.) Land on a ladder, and you're rewarded with advancement; land on a snake, and you are punished. Now, this seems THOROUGHLY unfair in what is PURELY a game of chance, but them's the rules.

So, I first thought, "that's ridiculous; MARY, of all people, would be the one to insist that the RULES MUST BE OBEYED!" 

But then I realized: NO; MARY DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT WRONGDOING, BAD DEEDS, VICES, HAVE CONSEQUENCES, DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY SHOULD BE PUNISHED. WINNING THE GAME IS ALL THAT MATTERS. And having everyone else give you a free pass simply helps you win. THAT's what EVERYONE ELSE IS FOR!

So then she tells Sibby (goodness, I HATE that nickname!) to "KEEP CRYING AND MAKE DONK FEEL BAD!" Whatever "Donk" means, Robert dudn't like it...

[Then there's a little more unimportant chatter with Rose to establish the characters of Atticus's parents...He's opposed/she's in favor...A little later Mary's given the opportunity, following dinner with Atticus's parent, to insult poor Edith YET AGAIN: "Let's all go to lunch, my treat--even YOU, Edith." That schtick is getting SO TIRESOME! Then the aforementioned lunch, where the previously mentioned photos of Atticus and the floozy are revealed...those of you who watch know where we are...]

Well, everyone's now been invited by Lady Sinderby to THEIR place in London, "to meet some of the relations." And, again, we have Mary taking the part of poor put-upon victim. Everything's "hitting the rocks," she insists. She lost Sibyl. Now Rose is leaving, soon to be followed by Tom, who's planning to go into business with his cousin in Boston. (We'll see.) Her biggest fear is BEING LEFT ALONE WITH EDITH. That over-used SCHTICK just makes it seem like it's not REALLY about MISSING the others--it's really only about hating Edith SO MUCH. She tells Tom that when she MURDERS HER SISTER, IT WILL BE HIS FAULT.

OH. MY. GOD. 

"LOVE IS A FAR MORE DANGEROUS MOTIVE THAN DISLIKE"

Okay; the Dowager seems to be back to her old self, because that's what she says to Mary a few moments later, when Mary's puzzling out the floozy photo mystery, and can't believe that Atticus's father could be responsible, because, well, he certainly loves his son. Violet's right, that's true, and it sounds like something genuine...It reminds me of my favorite line from Les Liaisons Dangereuses: "Those who are most worthy of love are never made happy by it." I shall steal it at the first opportunity.

I digress...

[More Mary being the victim, as we hear a repeat of the mere-minutes-old "Tom's going to America and leaving poor Mary all alone" theme, this time referred to as "A DAGGER IN MY HEART."] 

The next we see of Mary is at Rose's reception, where Tony Gillingham shows up...see my earlier post...after learning that Tony and Mabel are to be married, Mary skulks off to...somewhere back-of-house to sulk. Her champion Carson is there, to give her a pep talk, and assure her THAT GILLINGHAM WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER; wasn't, to use Carson's words, "up to the mark." Seriously? Even Mary seems to know that Carson is lying to her to flatter her. Yeah, right. Actually, no: Mary's FISHING, of course; she can play Carson like a fiddle. Honestly, I'll not be half-surprised if after Robert's dead and buried it's revealed that Carson is Mary's REAL father.

Now...I KNOW what the writers are trying to do. They're trying to establish this unshakable impervious bond between Upstairs and Down, between Master and Servant. That, right or wrong, for better, for worse, THESE two are the defenders of the faith, the UPHOLDERS of the PAST, the GUARDIANS OF TRADITION, the ones in whom the GLORIES OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE STILL SHINE! (Makes perfect sense when you recall that Julian Fellowes is a member of the HOUSE OF LORDS, dudn't it?)

Well, just like a good enabler, Carson is there; he sends Mary off by saying that he is certain she will triumph in the end.

BLECH

I'm almost done...

Then, finally, when the coppers come to take Anna away (we'll talk about that tomorrow...) Mary tells Mrs. Hughes that the police can't see Anna "BECAUSE SHE HASN'T DISMISSED HER YET," which makes Mrs. Hughes "most uncomfortable." But Anna goes, and pretty soon the whole household is up, including the Downton Zombies.

And what does Mary do? Attempts to BULLY the Scotland Yard fellow. When he calls her "Miss" she gets all indignant and puts him in his place: "I AM NOT 'MISS;' I AM LADY MARY CRAWLEY!" 

She's finally put in HER place when the Scotland Yard fellow says...

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF THE UPPER NILE."

ABOUT BLOODY TIME.

THE WALKING DEAD OF DOWNTON

You have seen them, but you may not have taken any notice of them. They are the often faceless, always nameless zombies of Downton. They are seen but never heard. Even the people with whom they live and work never speak to them, never ask them how their mum is getting on, or how THEIR murder trial might be progressing, don't seem to trust them.

WHO THE F**K ARE THEY?

I'M SORRY TO BE THE ONE TO HAVE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK THERE MAY BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH EDITH'S KID.

AT LEAST HE'S NOT A NEGRO

Last night's episode of Downton was such a mish-mash of BORING that I hardly know where to start. I have A LOT to say, so I am going to break it up into easier-to-digest bits...

The "wedding" of Rose and Atticus is upon us. It's set in the London REGISTRY OFFICE, and looks like the non-event of the season, I guess owing to the fact that the young lovers are of different faiths. Or maybe Rose is pregnant? Why else the rush and lack of pomp? 

Rose's mother Susan, and Atticus's father Lord Sinderby (sometimes I think he looks like Alexander Putin, other times like Yul Brynner) are each opposed to the union, for sorta the same reason--because she's NOT Jewish/because he IS Jewish. At least he's not a NEGRO, Lady Flintshire! (Remember THAT guy?) 

Oh, and in typical hackneyed predictable Downton fashion, Atticus's father calls Rose a SHIKSA! But not, at least thank God, to her face. No, in this episode the "boorish manners" incident (it's officially a requisite in period dramas) is left to Rose's mummy. First, she hires a floozy to frame Atticus, then, in desperation, announces to the world that she and Stumpy (Squinty?) are getting a divorce. It's so easy to thwart one's child's happiness when one's child's future father-in-law has previously announced to the world his disdain for divorce and divorced people! 

So, as the organ starts playing the "Bridal Chorus" from Lohengrin (wait, did that happen?) Susan just sits down next to Aunt Vi and says "what? Am I supposed to just lose gracefully?" And the Dowager, known, of course for her caustic tongue, her very BON bon mots, says "yes." Ooo, SNAP!

Then there's more slightly-offensive-to-Jewish people stuff said by a Lady Somebody-or-Other who looks like John Lithgow in drag and who forgets that Cora's father was Jewish. Oops. 

Okay. So that raises a few things that have been bothering me. Poor Phoebe Nicolls, the VERY talented actress that plays Rose's mother, deserves better than this tripe they've given her. In case some of you missed it, Nicholls played Sebastian's sister Cordelia in "Brideshead" back in the early 80s But her Downton character has no dimension--she's simply a TYPE, LIKE SO MANY OF THE PERIPHERAL CHARACTERS ON DOWNTON. That is one of the major problems with the writing--a lack of any real character development. With but a few exceptions, everyone on the show has just...stopped...growing...doing...BECOMING anything. (Yes, Mary, we know--you hate Edith.) And the other characters around them are just TYPES, put there to create situations for the "main" characters; to GIVE them something to react against. Am I making sense?

I mean, Rose's mother Susan would be far more interesting if we KNEW WHY she was the way she is. What's her story? WHAT HAPPENED? Nope; she's just Rose's sorta crazy obnoxious mother. Her very FIRST (and I guess we're supposed to assume LAST) words to her future son-in-law are "what a peculiar name."

Then...the Dowager. Are we supposed to believe that she's getting all soft now over the reappearance of Prince Cadaver? She seems to be losing her touch. She actually said at the beginning of last night's episode (during Rose's little trousseau fashion show) "Love may not conquer all, but it can conquer quite a lot." WOW! I guess the writers could have had her say "Money can't buy happiness; but it CAN buy some other things that aren't happiness!" 

DRIVEL.

Then, Robert and Cora, Isobel, Squinty and Putin/Brynner are all standing and chatting, and the subject turns to India, because Squinty has just finished being something important over there. And Isobel says--INEXPLICABLY--that they DID get word of that Amritsar Affair! WHAT??? The Amritsar incident happened in...1919! At least five years ago! WHAT was the purpose of introducing THAT little nugget? OH, I forgot--these people are such an integral part of the Fabric of British History that NO historical event does not touch them in some way, however slight and obscure. The Titanic, the Teapot Dome Scandal, "HER" Hitler's Beer Hall Putsch, and now the Amritsar Affair. I'll bet the only one you don't have to look up is the Titanic (MAYbe the Hitler thing). Yes, these people ARE Britannia! 

PEDICTABLE HACKNEYED AND BORING

Oh, and then Gillingham and Mabel show up at Rose's reception. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING THERE? Just letting us know that they will be all right in the end. And providing Mary an opportunity for closure, I guess. "You were what I needed when I needed it." SHE USED HIM FOR SEX. He's lucky he got out of it alive.

BORING AND FAKE

FAREWELL TO DOWNTON or, the Future Isn't Pretty, Mrs. Bates

In one of my recent posts I gave myself an idea. Well, it was really more like A VISION. 

(With all due respect to the current--EXCELLENT--Bates Motel, I propose this alternative "prequel")

Downton Abbey is now in its 19th and final season. 

It's 1931, and the investigation into Mr. Green's death has been dragging on now for what seems an eternity. The Downton writers have decided--FINALLY--that there is absolutely no justification for having Anna and John Bates just sit around with nothing to do but torment poor Baxter, who's now so old and infirm that Cora pushes her around in a wheelchair. (Molesly had a heart attack and died on the night before he was planning to propose to Baxter--they were going to buy some property together and open a little boarding house, of course.)

Robert and Violet died ages ago, Edith went crazy and was institutionalized, and Marigold went to America to star in motion pictures. She's GOOD! I mean, the name "Marigold" seems tailor made for a film star, no? 

Mary has finally renounced her wealth, her position, her absolutely HATEFUL demeanor. She's discovered she has a lovely singing voice, and has joined an order of Carmelite nuns in Salzburg, Austria. (Where she had gone to recover from the heartbreak she suffered when she discovered Charles Blake in the arms of another man--who turned out to be Lord Merton's younger son Timothy. The really handsome one.) This will cause problems for Mary a bit later on, but that's for another spin-off...

So Bates is found guilty in an off-camera trial (because, hey, we just need him to be gone and can't really spend time on the details), but, right before he goes to the chair (his last meal is Welsh Rarebit on toast), Anna reveals to him that she has FINALLY conceived, and is bearing his child! She's 45, but better late than never. Besides, it will give her something to remember her dear departed husband by.

So poor Anna packs her bags, bundles up little John, Jr., (who was born--and almost died, having suffered a deprivation of oxygen during delivery--between episodes 4 and 5) and heads for America. (She's thinking that good old Tom Branson will give her a job in one of his automobile factories in Detroit, you see.)

But she decides she needs a really fresh start, so SHE CHANGES HER NAME. To Norma, because, well, she's always LOVED the films of Norma Talmadge. (She has to retain the "Bates" out of loyalty.) But then there's a mix-up at Ellis Island, and the registrar misunderstands, and records Little John Jr.'s name as "Norman". When Norma/Anna catches the mistake, the registrar just stamps the papers and shouts "NEXT" and the error stands.

Well, when Norma/Anna and little Norman arrive in Detroit, it turns out that Branson Autoworks went bankrupt after the crash and ensuing Depression, and Tom Branson committed suicide by jumping out of his office on the 28th floor of the Branson Building (Warren and Wetmore, 1927-28). Sibby, his daughter, lives in a shack on the former Branson Estate (a modernist masterpiece designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, 1929, left unfinished) where she hoards old copies of the Detroit Free Press. Her sole remaining possession of any value is a beautiful miniature portrait of her mother, Lady Sibyl; she is never without it. She chases Norma/Anna off "her" property.

Discouraged, Norma/Anna heads West, as did so many others during the Dust Bowl. She hitches a ride with a family named Joad. 

She ends up in California, and, in fulfillment of a long ago dream of her and her late husband John, opens a motel. The Bates Motel.

THE DOWNTON AWARDS

And the award for the most predictable, ham-handed moment in all Downton history goes to...

THE MERTON BOYS REJECT ISOBEL CRAWLEY AND INSULT HER TO HER FACE!

SHOCKER! or...shocker...

This one was SO BORING it deserved its own spot. (Though, I hafta say, that Timothy--he's the younger one--is very nice looking, in spite of the hideous manners!)

EVERYONE CARES MORE ABOUT THE DOG THAN THEY DO ABOUT EDITH - MYSELF INCLUDED

So, Julian Fellowes and the writers of Downton Abbey have FINALLY given us something REAL this season, something that approaches genuine human feeling. 

But I'll come back to that.

Can even Mary--MARY--be so SELF-ABSORBED not to realize that HER SISTER HAS HAD A BABY????? Or are we supposed to think that everyone upstairs has suddenly caught a very bad case of the STUPIDS? (Even DAISY wouldn't need that teacher, that Miss-Whats-Her-Name to spell it out for her!)

BORING BORING BORING

And what the HELL is up with the Bateses??? They have NOTHING to do, except give poor old Baxter the air?! "Eoh, Mrs. Hyooz, I'm so veddy soddy, I BURNT that ticket; Bates will just have to hang!" Oh, except that REAL ESTATE FEVER has apparently struck EVERYONE DOWNstairs (the stupids being the scourge of the folks UPstairs, remember), so Anna and Bates are going to buy a nice little place and rent it out until they retire. I guess they could always call it...get ready for it...BATES MOTEL! (Seriously, Julian Fellowes, you're going to make it THAT easy?)

Honestly, if I were Joanne Froggatt and/or Brendan Coyle, I'd be A) worried B) demanding better story lines C) hoping it will all be over very soon D) looking for other work, or E) all of the above.

BORING BORING BORING!

So that brings us to that one GENUINE thing that's happened this entire BORING season of Downton Abbey. Isis has cancer. By next Sunday, she'll probably be out of the story, poor girl. But that's not even the genuine moment I am talking about. No, that moment happened when Robert came into the bedroom carrying Isis, saying he was going to sleep with her in his dressing room, because she probably wouldn't last the night, and he didn't want her to be alone and afraid.

As anyone who has ever loved and lost a beloved dog (or any other pet, I imagine) can tell you, IT DOESN'T GET ANY REALER THAN THAT.

SHE'S GOT THE PAPERS TO PROVE IT

All I can say is that the farmer's wife must be a pretty dim bulb indeed, if ANY of this came as a surprise to her!

IS THAT A GUN IN YOUR POCKET? If so, I'd like to shoot myself in the head with it.

HO-HUM. Downton Abbey continues to become even more predictable and BORING! Like, was anyone, I mean ANYONE, surprised when Simon Bricker turned up all randy-pants in Cora's bedroom with what looked liked a very small firearm in his silk pajamas? If you ask me, Downton is turning into one giant rape-a-torium, a la Law & Order SVU. Seriously, I was half expecting Olivia Benson to show up! I mean first Anna goes and gets all raped down in the kitchen while the fat lady sings upstairs, and now her ladyship has to suffer this indignity to her honor. I mean honour. And, AND, AND...now that Barrow has seemingly cured his gayness and is on his way to becoming 100% he-man (thanks to a mail-order electro-shock therapy kit), I'll wager that the virtue and honour of NO female under Downton's roof is safe! Watch out, Mrs. Patmore! (And, don't forget that MARY KILLED A GUY BY SEXING HIM TO DEATH way back in the first season!)

And the rest...Bates and Mary and Edith...blah, blah, blah. Just TOO mind-numbingly DULL for comment. Seriously, Julian Fellowes--you owe me MORE after the investment I've made!

Oh. I almost forgot: there's a nice looking Jewish guy to get everyone worked up.

(yawn)